I'm slowly starting to understand that taking breaks and finding time for rest is very much okay, regardless of my to do list.
I love a good list. I keep lists for work, random thoughts or ideas, long-term goals, daily tasks... and the list (no pun intended) (okay maybe a little) goes on. This obsession is partly fueled by my practically psychopathic organization habits but also because I value making the most of every day. I enjoy being productive and going to bed at night knowing I gave all I could to the last 12 or so hours. I sound like a real go-getter, huh? Maybe (or just clinically insane), but it certainly comes at a price: It's hard for me to shut off and relax if I know there is a task or project I have left undone, which leads me to become absolutely drained and burned out. Some of the worst versions of myself have been the result of lack of rest and relaxation. I have a feeling a lot of y'all have experienced what I'm talking about because it's so very human of us to go through the motions of life without checking our rest-o-meter.
I'm airing some dirty laundry here, but my real problem is that when I become excited and passionate about something, I go ALL in. I become practically obsessed with making that thing I'm passionate about being the best it can be. I will burn the midnight oil and shift my entire focus to whatever noble cause excites me. It becomes pretty toxic, to be honest. Anyone reading this who worked with me on the Great Southland Stampede Rodeo has experienced this first-hand... I was a tish bit obsessed with the rodeo, hehe.
By now I think this goes without saying, but I get very frustrated when I can't complete tasks or work at full speed. V E R Y frustrated. Imagine my disappointment when I was diagnosed with cancer. The first question I asked my oncologist after he laid out my treatment plan was, "Will I be able to work?" Not only was ya girl worried about paying her bills, but I knew I would lose my flippin' mind if I couldn't work. Thankfully, I've been able to manage a full-time job while in treatment and have been so blessed with supportive, understanding colleagues during this time. But I can't say that I have been as kind and accommodating to myself as they have been with me.
It has been tough not being able to function at my regular speed. My best days are the ones when I am filled with energy and can knock out chores and work tasks like nobody's business. The worst days are the ones when I can't manage to get out of bed. Or the ones when my brain is so foggy that the quality of my work suffers. Or the ones when I have to leave work early because of my side effects. Or the ones when I'm too tired to write or read to balance out my mental and spiritual health. Those days hit me hard—not because of how I feel, but because I can't contribute what I want to. The pain and sickness fade, but it's hard for my mind and heart to recover from missing out on the day. The FOMO is real, y'all.
I'm slowly starting to understand that taking breaks and finding time for rest is very much okay, regardless of my to-do list. I'm also slowly starting to give myself grace for not being able to run at full speed in this season, reminding myself that what I should be most passionate and excited about at this time are my recovery and healing. Periodt.
I had a conversation with a friend the other day (and by friend, I TOTALLY mean therapist), and she broke down the importance of personal grace during this season. Here's a recap of our convo:
Therapist: "So, you have treatment every two weeks, right?"
Me: "Yep."
Therapist: "Three different types of chemo, one immunotherapy, for about five hours, right?"
Me: "Correct."
Therapist: "And you're doing this to kill a notoriously incurable disease so that you may, ya know, live?"
Me: "Pretty much, yeah."
Therapist: "And you're concerned that you aren't contributing enough to your work, family, friends, and church because you have to set aside energy and space to.......... stay alive?"
Me: "..."
Therapist: "Mhmm."
She's not much of a sugar-coater, that one.
Before cancer, personal grace was a pretty foreign concept to me, but I'm warming up to the idea. What really set my mind right on this concept was a podcast episode from one of my favorite faith leaders, Bianca Olthoff. I listen to her podcast almost every day, but this episode in particular really got my wheels turning. It is about the importance of having fun and finding rest, and it broke down the benefits of holding Sabbath. I mean, if the Lord of Lords and the King of Kings took a day to rest while creating the Earth, you can take a day to chill, too, hun. God has set a wonderful example of personal grace through Sabbath—a day to set everything aside and fully focus on renewing your body and spirit, no matter how much work you have to do or how much you've messed up that week. For me, this is something I want to intentionally practice during and after remission from cancer.
Anyways, if you struggle with personal grace, you aren't alone. Let's get coffee and figure it out together.
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